When your child starts preschool, she may experience separation anxiety and regressive behavior. The transition to preschool is often marked with two steps forward, one step back, as your child grows and learns in amazing ways — but at the same time, regresses in some behaviors, too.
The most common challenge for most kids is saying goodbye to their parents, or trouble separating. For some children this may be their first time out of the home. Others may have separated before, but are now in a new, possibly more demanding situation (sharing the adult caregiver with a number of other children).
How can parents help soothe their children’s separation anxiety?
First, look within for whatever ambivalence you may have about leaving your child, because she will pick up on those feelings. If there’s any hesitation or discomfort or doubt — which there often is; you hate to leave your child when he’s unhappy about it — but if you don’t feel good about where you’re leaving him, or about the fact that you have to leave him, your child’s going to feel, “Well, maybe this isn’t really a good place or idea.” The first thing you have to do to prepare your child is to prepare yourself.
How else can parents help ease the transition for their preschooler?
There are a number of things you can do to prepare your child, visiting before school begins is ideal. Then, make sure to take your child to visit the classroom and meet the teacher at Open House. You could give your child a transitional object, like a favorite blanket for naptime or teddy bear they can carry with them to class; or even a story for the teacher to share with the class. And let your child know that you want him or her to go to school, and give your child lots of reassurance that “Mommy’s coming back”, or “Daddy’s coming back". This is very important.
To reinforce the idea, you can play a little game in which something disappears from sight but your child rediscovers it. Roll a ball under the couch and say, “Look, we can’t see it. Do you think it’s still there? Let’s go look.” When your child finds the ball, you can say, “See, even though we couldn’t see the ball it’s still there, just like Mommy when she went to work.” What you’re doing is reinforcing “object permanence”, a concept that comes earlier (by the end of the first year) but can be threatened by the emotional challenge that separation presents.
There are several books that you can read to your child to prepare for Preschool as well. The Kissing Hand by Audrey Pen is one of my favorites. Establishing a consistent “Good Bye Ritual” is also key. We have options and ideas to share with you. Pick the one that you feel will work best for your child and stick to it!
Once settled into the routine, can separation anxiety present again?
Yes! For example, if you go away on a vacation or the preschool closes for a break, your child may experience another, shorter adjustment period. If a teacher or someone the child is close to leaves the school, you may see these behaviors again. Then there are other things of course that can cause these regressive behaviors, like developmental touchpoints, or the birth of a new sibling, or a stressful time in the parent’s life. When you think about it, we all regress throughout our entire lives, whenever we do something new and challenging like move, or switch jobs, or get married. There will be things the child is working on, too.
Some children have emotional outbursts when their parents pick them up from preschool. Are these a cause for concern?
No. When your child has a temper tantrum, that does not mean that he is not doing well. It tells you that he really missed you and can finally let go and be flooded by the feelings he was trying to fight back all day long. The fact that he misses you doesn’t mean preschool is not going to work for him. You can reassure your child and say, “I missed you too, and I’m eager to see you because we love each other, and we have fun together.”
Remember, you’ve got this and we’ve got your back!
Adina Box
Early Childhood Coordinator
